Thursday, September 3, 2015

Where oh where have all the good jeans gone?

So, okay, I'm getting ready for a trip to faraway places, which means (yay!) I get to shop for clothes. Unfortunately, this means shopping for jeans. Holy smokes, The last jeans I bought were acquired two years ago, and my, how times have changed. I had no idea.

I am a rider. I have a farm. I need to like, you know, wear something sturdy outside when building fence, hauling hay, etc. Women's jeans are... stretchy! Stretttttcccccchy! You cannot find anything that is NOT stretchy! They're soft! They're slimming! They're relaxed fit! They're....useless. I spent all afternoon hunting through the usual places for decent jeans that might last more than two weeks, slinking in vain from name brand shelf to name brand shelf to clearance rack. All stretchy. I spot Levi's, good old Levi's, inventor of the practical work pant, and guess what? They're EXTRA STRETCHY! And there is nothing under a size 10. Since when did I become a size 6, and even those hang on me like clothes on a line? I guess I'm supposed to buy a size 4 and squirm my way into them, letting the material ooze around all my bulges like swamp water engulfing the back 40. I am NOT a size 4! Yet (get this), the Daisy Mae-sized super-shorts are actual, real denim! Non-stretchy. Pre-shrunk. Faded just a little. Perfect! Exactly what I'm looking for. Except...you can only get it in shorts that barely cover the necessities.

So now, with steam seeping from my ears, I try the local farm store and go for the men's jeans that used to fit so well. Those sizes haven't changed since I was a tomboy down on the farm 'cause the manufacturers feel no need to flatter men into thinking they're smaller and fitter than they are. But alas, ye old standbys don't fit anymore either. I am in no way shrunken to the stick I was this spring when I was much sicker than I am right now. So what am I to make of the nicely fitting waist and hips and the acres of extra material stolen from Omar the Tentmaker billowing around my chubby little legs, eh? It seems women are either supposed to paint their jeans on or swim in them. Sigh.

Anybody have recommendations for jeans that actually fit AND have a useful life of more than three hours? I am SO listening.

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